Now We Are One

If you’d told me, two years ago, that in two years’ time I’d be writing a blog post while looking after a poorly one-year-old, I’d have demanded to know whose child it was and why it had been foisted on me, the most unlikely of nannies, in this particularly unpleasant state. I would have looked confused. I might have accused you of being drunk.

Anyway. Here we are, two years down the line and, for the avoidance of doubt, the child is mine. And, as far as I can tell, that qualifies me to be one of those Mummy Bloggers, a Dispenser Of All Knowledge And Wisdom, Particularly In The Areas Of Baby-Led Weaning And Messy Play Ideas (DOAKAWPITAOBLWAMPI, for short, not to be confused with the New Zealand town of the same name). So I feel duty-bound to share the benefit of my first year’s experience with you, particularly if you’re considering embarking upon parenthood in the near future. I’ll try to cover some of the most common areas prospective parents ask about.

Pain.
First things first. One of the biggest things mums, in particular, worry about when considering having a child is this: “Will it hurt?”
There is no denying it. Yes, it will hurt – more than anyone will ever admit. You will be bitten, head-butted, scratched, kicked. Your eyes and ears will be poked, often with unsuitable objects. Your genitals will be trampled on. Your back will ache. And this time you can’t have an epidural.

Breast vs. Bottle.
Ah, the big debate. But to my mind there is only one answer. It has to be a bottle – you won’t get nearly enough gin out of the other one.

Eating solids.
A varied diet is reallly important. Acceptable foods for parents of an under-one include scrambled eggs, Mars Bar sandwiches, toast on toast, unidentified crumbs, Weetabix, pureed chicken dinner, and leftover anything. There will be a lot of leftover anything, and it will make up at least 80% of your diet.

Dressing appropriately.
Parents often find it difficult to know what clothes are appropriate. Basically, anything with fewer than seven vomit stains on it is perfectly ok to wear. Ten, if you’re not planning to leave the house.

Crawling.
As the months fly by, you will become adept at this, as you hunt for brightly-coloured plastic objects, dummies, food etc under the furniture at the end of every day. Try to turn it into a game. Try not to swear. Buy one of those grabber sticks they make for old people.

Sleep.
At your desk, when you go back to work. Chances like that are not to be missed.

Related to this issue is the much-discussed topic of sleep-training: occasionally one parent will have an uncontrollable urge to make a long and unnecessary train journey, just to get some kip. This is normal and should not ordinarily constitute grounds for divorce.

First words.
Your first words as a new parent are likely to include “what, AGAIN?”, “SSSSHHHHHHH!” and “Is it SUPPOSED to be that colour?” (Yes, it is.)

Television.
This can be a thorny issue. Yes, you will be allowed to watch television, but you should be aware that every ten minutes of that great movie or must-watch drama will take at least an hour to watch, and even then you will not have heard any of it. Ensure that your pause, rewind, and subtitle functions are in full working order. You should also be aware that the remote control is the most fascinating object in the whole house, and will never be wholly yours again.

Inconsolable crying.
You’ll do a lot of this.

Smiling.
See ‘inconsolable crying’.

Thumb-sucking.
Best avoided, unless you have run out of gin.

 

Dedicated to Octoberfest, and all who sail in her, with love.

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~ by somethingblonde on November 12, 2015.

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